On dreams, motherhood, and work...

This subject never really received a lot of press on the blog when the change occurred, but it has been pretty life changing in my eyes so I thought I would try to put some words behind it.  Starting October 1st, 2013, I took the amazing opportunity to stay home 1 more day/week.  While this likely seems minor to many, it really was the culmination of many prayers and wishes.  

The first year of Finley's life, I essentially worked full-time.  I was honestly never one of those moms who cried the first day back at work, or even dropping her off.  It's hard to totally explain, but I've never been the type of person who's felt like I knew something "the best".  Meaning, I never laid awake at night worrying about what if daycare didn't know how to soothe my baby, put her on the correct nap schedule, interact with her appropriately, etc.  Instead, my attitude was "thank God someone knows how to get this baby to nap, eat, smile...because I've sure had a hard time figuring it out in our first 3 months together!".  Maybe this was the way I was wired, but it has allowed me some more freedom than many other moms I know because I've never felt like I'm letting my babies down, but rather exposing them to other caring individuals who may offer a different perspective and nurturing presence in their lives.  (Don't get me wrong, there are certainly times I would have done things differently than "daycare", but I think that comes with the territory).  However, the hardest things about that first year were not solely because I was at work 36 hours/week plus commuting, but because I let what other people thought affect what I thought of myself.  I know I'm not alone in feeling judged by others as a mom and interestingly enough I've learned from many of my mom friends that being judged comes in many forms.  During that first year, I had countless people pity my child for going to daycare, pity me for "having" to work, etc.  I beat myself up over not being able to take Finley to play groups, for having to schedule doctors appointments first thing in the morning before work, or for having to supplement with formula.  Funny thing is, I know moms who felt society's pity on them for staying home, giving up careers, not having a cleaner house when all they do is "stay home all day", etc.  Weird how that works, huh?  It's like we're supposed to be able to do it all, and do it all well, all of the time - with toned abs, organic lunches, and a perfect balance...

Meanwhile, despite feeling some pressure to not work, my actual job was going really well.  I loved being a physical therapist and I must say that having a job that you love goes a long way to making it easier to be away from your kids.  I don't think this would have worked for as long as it has if I didn't like my profession.  I made fast friends with co-workers who were/are walking the mommy road with me and they were my sounding board for all sorts of topics.  At work I got to be successful at something, to check things off a list in a predictable manner, and to eat lunch with both hands!  Seriously though, I have realized something about my personality that has clashed with me being happy in my role as a mom.  I am so goal oriented, focused, and need predictability.  I believe that's why staying at home during maternity leaves has been so challenging for me.  I have some sort of deep need to know what's going to happen next, that I will get the laundry done and dishwasher emptied, and that I'll get a mental break at some point during the day.  And guess what, babies don't care about my deep needs : )

Shortly after Finley's 1st birthday, an opportunity presented itself at work for me to drop a day and work 4 days/week.  It was amazing and I surely took nothing for granted at first.  We used these days to go to ECFE classes together, to get somethings done around the house, and it made for great 4 day weekends every so often!  I did catch myself every once in a while considering what it would be like to work 3 days/week but didn't think the opportunity would come along any time soon.  Fast forward to the summer of 2013 when we strongly considered moving.  After a few signs that led us in the direction to stay put, I randomly decided to ask my manager if I could cut back to working 3 days/week.  I never thought the request would actually be approved.  

For many reasons this was a scary move for us/me.  Financially, this was a huge step.  Not impossible, but definitely something we had to think thoughtfully about.  Secondly, I have always been very passionate about my work.  Not just about working, but the actual work that I do.  Plain and simple - I help people and often times this is during a time when their lives have fallen apart due to an unexpected diagnosis or tragic event.  It's not something I set out to do half-assed or with one foot out the door.  When it's come to my career, I don't like to do things unless it's 100%, but yet I realized I couldn't do that and still have all that I wanted at home.  Decisions have passed me over at work because of my part-time status and I'm less involved in the overall decision making of our department.  I'll be honest - it's weird.  The good news is, I'm getting used to it.  

On most days, I feel like I've won some sort of work lottery.  I get to play and explore with my kids a few days a week and then go help somebody return to walking or use a new wheelchair the other days.  This is the life I imagined, but didn't know was possible.  My girls are flourishing in their respective daycare/preschool settings and are having a blast on their "stay home with mom" days.  The ultimate upside is we have more margin in our lives.  More space between the chores, commutes, and monotonous life requirements to do the things that matter: art projects, playing in the snow, making cookie dough and sneaking a spoonful of sugar, visiting friends, attending storytime, and having dinner on the table to eat as a family.  It also means that I am re-charged to help that young girl with a brain tumor or that man with multiple sclerosis find new ways to be a part of their communities.  I am so thankful. 

I have also done a lot of soul searching about motherhood and with my minimal 4 years of experience (ha!) I have made a few conscious changes to what I allow to seep into my stream of consciousness.  I have tried really hard to weed out those poisonous voices whose negativity/judgement only seems to bring me down.  I whittled my facebook list down to only people who I genuinely knew, wanted to see pictures of their kids, or groups I belonged to who used it for communication.  I have mainly stuck to reading books that inspire me, listening to music and podcasts that give me hope or a new perspective, and have realized the power in saying no to activities or events that bring me unnecessary stress.  There are so many things in this world that will try to bring us moms down, I want to do what I can to build myself up.  

Hopefully it goes without saying, but Pat has worked so hard to make this dream our current reality!  And praise the Lord who really is good.  Thanks for sticking it out to read my novel.  This blog serves as not only my girls' baby books, but also our family journal that we get to look back on and read.  I wanted to make sure to write down some of my feelings around this subject so that someday if my daughters are faced with these circumstances, they can see the meaning and thought behind my choices.  I hope I make them proud.  And if I can help one other mom feel like she is ENOUGH, this post was worth it.